So, I've been at my internship for about a month and a half. The first three weeks were filled with hours and hours of training. The remaining three have been spent doing everything and anything I could possibly think of not to sink and fail. It's been so busy there. I work in a University's Counseling Center in the Drug and Alcohol program. I help students who have issues with drugs and alcohol. Amongst many other things, I have begun to tap into my ability to use motivational interviewing with my clients. Motivational interviewing is a therapuetic technique.
Now, this is where my fear of incompetence comes in. I just want to do things right. And sometimes right isn't quite enough, and I'd like to be more. Especially when my supervisor is shadowing me and taking note of where I am with regards to my skills. This week I had two such experiences and after the second I felt a little deflated. It wasn't that he said I was incompetent or anything like it, it was my own fear that I was. I for some strange reason feel that others can do it, but have reservations that I can't. Now, don't get me wrong, I am here at school...preparing to do what I want to do with my life. That fact in and of itself is an indicator that I believe in my abilities to some extent. But somewhere inside me, a little tiny switch has been flipped, and it turns on my fear of incompetence.
So, my question is: why do we let ourselves believe such lies? Why do we cower down to a destiny and life that is below our capacity and capabilities? Why do we listen to that dark voice that tries to discourage us from greatness or from loving ourselves. Why do we judge ourselves so harshly. And why, why, why is it so hard to believe God when He said to Mary the mother of Jesus in Luke chapter 1, "For with God nothing shall be impossible"? I'm not sure, but I believe that is part of our test here on earth. And it is imperative in the development and strengthening of our faith and our souls.
So folks, here we are. Sometimes I feel like Job when he says in chapter 23:8-10, "Behold I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Sometimes, while struggling with my fears and inadequecies I wonder, "Where is He? And I why can't I hear Him directing me? Is He still there? Does He love me?" And then, just when I think I can't go any farther because of my fears, He sends peace and comfort to my heart. I didn't ask for it in the moment, and I probably don't deserve it. But He sends it. Because for some reason, He loves me infinitely. And He wants to invest His love in me, even when I think I'm a bad investment. He knows that I am not incompetent. He knows that I am compentent beyond measure. And His adversary knows that too. And so the struggle for the competent and worthy souls of men and women rolls on. I only hope that in my moments of strife, I can remember that this is what is happening and be able to see the bigger picture. And that it's not that I am incompetent, it's just that I am priceless and valuable.
Wow, this post was moving, raw, and real. I loved it! I cried a little because you have put into words how I have felt the last couple years. Who knew anybody else felt the same as me. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world and then at moments like this it hits me; how profoundly un alone we all are. :) thanks for sharing,you beautiful, wonderful, beyond capable, gift and blessing to everyone you know! Love you
ReplyDeleteGirl.... You are the bomb in my eyes. I think you're the best of the best. All people really need is a listening ear. They have everything inside of themselves to figure out how to correct their life's course. They just need support and encouragement. You have given it to me so many times and you have no idea how much you have helped me to self-correct. You have the most beautiful gift there is... one of genuine caring and acceptance. Like the song goes.... you let people's true colors shine through and that's why they love you. Don't be afraid to let feel all the feelings that come with the territory. You are gaining understanding of how others feel all the time. Fear is one of the most common feelings we all share. Fear of failure, fear of people finding out who we are and not wanting us anymore, fear of failure, fear of life leaving us behind and us not reaching our dreams. You, Marbar, are above and beyond what anyone could ask for in a therapist and friend. You listen and accept others for what they are. I appreciate you for exactly who you are and wouldn't want you any other way, fears and all.
ReplyDeleteMarbar, I want you to know that everyone in my program feels the same way! I think it is totally normal in our field because we are dealing the welfare of another's soul. It reminds me of when I was on a mission and felt completely inadequate in my language skills. No matter how much I studied or how many new words I learned, I still never knew enough. Then one day I had grown in knowledge and experience so much that my inadequacy did not hinder me. I know that the Lord couldn't give me the language skills all at once but I had needed them from the beginning.Sometimes we wonder why the Lord won't give us the knowledge or power, especially when it is for the benefit for others. But, He will and you obviously know that. So, don't "should" on yourself because the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling are an important part of the process of becoming a therapist.
ReplyDelete